Thursday, October 29, 2009

What was lost, now is found! Well, sort of...



So, I couldn't let this memory fade, and even though some of you may question my husband's judgement by the end of this post - I assure you that he is a wonderful man and if I had it to do over again - to pick the man of my dreams, the father of my children, the love of my life...I'd pick him. Knowing what I know, knowing all the good and bad, has given me greater confidence in my choice. That being said...

We'd written off the pacifier. Or so I thought. We'd gotten through 1 night and 2 naps without it, and were well on our way to "weaning". Ella, being the very observant girl that she is - found it in the leaves, next to where we park our car each day when we go to school. It was in the state you see above, crushed by a car, presumably our own. She was so delighted that she'd found it. As I squealed in excitement for her, I promptly hid it in one of our car cup holders before Levi could see it. We'd gotten this far, and I wasn't going back. AND - what kind of parent would give a child a pacifier in that state?? I went off to work before Steve got home that night, and had forgotten all about the pacifier.

Fast forward to the next morning. I awoke to Steve rattling around in the wee hours as he headed off to work (via a long run). I shushed him stating "Please be quiet - Levi is waking up more easily since he doesn't have the pacifier." At this point, my husband's exact words are a blur because it was around 5:30 in the morning and I wasn't thinking very clearly. However, he informs me of the good news that Ella found the pacifier and he had gone down very easily the night before. It took me a minute to realize that those things were related. "YOU GAVE IT TO HIM??" I could hardly believe what I was hearing....Yep. Steve gave him the pacifier. When I asked if he'd noticed that it had been run over by a car he said, (and this is a direct quote) "Levi didn't care."

All I have to say - it's a good thing our adoption is final as I post this for the world to see. Our finalization could have gone something like this..."Levi, you're now a Gerrard. Best of luck, kid."

Mom stepped out



What big brothers do to little brothers - when mom isn't looking...

Monday, October 26, 2009

My Ebenezer

This is one of those weeks for me that is dependant on everything going perfectly - that I don't have anyone wake up ill, that I don't have major inconvenience interrupts my day, and that despite my inability to stream two thoughts together, I remain focused. (I can already hear some of you laughing...) I know, I know. I have 3 kids, am working part time, live in a place where we've already had our first snow before Halloween, and a very full life - but somehow my sanity hinges without a contingency plan.

Well, it's already Monday and we've had our first money wrench in that plan. I realized, come nap time, that my pacifier-loving son has lost, what we now know to be his "last" pacifier. We know that it is his last because up until now, he's been unwilling to accept any pacifier except for the type he came home from Korea with. And those are at least a mail order away...but it's now gone, probably in the parking lot with all the other items that drop out of people's cars when they are wrestling their kids out to do those dreaded errands...

When I realized this, I was in a panic. I kept thinking "I don't have time for this. I really don't have time for this. Not today." And I kept praying that the pacifier would turn up. I put Levi down at about 11:40 a.m. without the pacifier. We did the whole naptime routine and when I put him in his crib - he looked at me like, "Uh, I think you are missing something...." I tried explaining to my 18 month old that the pacifier was gone. "There's no pacifier," I said. "The pacifier when bye-bye." I left and of course - the tears reverberated throughout the house. I kept looking for that pacifier. I couldn't let it go - I wasn't ready for this...it's just not the "right" time. The wailing from upstairs was a constant reminder of the loss and the task that neither of us felt prepared for. By the time I went upstairs to comfort my child - we were both in tears. I laid him in bed and began to stroke his face. He quieted - but all I could think about was "How long is this going to take? I could be in here forever and I have so much to do!" Once I began stroking his face and head - the crying stopped. Well, his at least...mine only flowed faster. All at once, I realized who pays the price when I can keep my "I don't have time for this" in check. I can only see what is not done on my (impossible) checklist and how much I have to do to meet the next deadline. I'm like a tornado and anything in my way is forced to move or be destroyed. Slowly, I began to see this precious moment as a gift and not the burden I'd once been feeling. As Levi started to drift to sleep and was no longer dependant on my touch - I dropped to my knees and cried to God. I sat there, not knowing what to ask for, or how to "fix" this most recent crisis of the missing pacifier. Just moments before I had prayed of it's miraculous find - but I no longer thought would be the right answer. Maybe I need to find out what is on the other side of quick fix. I listened to the music playing and the words were from Psalm 46:1-2. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..." When I lifted my eyes open - I saw a peaceful, sleeping baby in front of me and was thankful that I wasn't allowed the easy way out. I know there are still many hurdles ahead of me - but I've learned my lesson...sometimes its in our troubles that we see an ever-present God emerge, giving us peace and enough strength to get through the next hour, the next day, or at least until dinner... :)

"Ebenezer", literally translated means "Stone of help". In 1 Samuel,
after the Israelites finally defeated the Philistines, and took back the Ark of the Covenant - Samuel commemorated the victorious battle, by setting up a marker-stone, by naming it "Stone of Help," where God’s miraculous help aided them in their victory over the Philistines. An "Ebenezer" is a reminder of God's real presence and divine help in our lives. For many people, a bible or a cross serves as that reminder. For me, it is this blog. Each "memory" I compile in writing reminds me that God is my "ever present help in trouble." I don't want to forget what I've learned today. I don't want to forget how low the lows are - they help me to realize how needy I really am. And I don't want to forget how quickly and steadfastly the help comes when I ask.

Here I raise my Ebenezer to all of you - and thank God that his help comes at the right time and in just the right way... What is your "Ebenezer?" - I'd love to hear...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pictures...




Let the housework go and the emails pile up - I need to blog!



To my faithful blog followers. I apologize...I have let you down. But - I'm back and I assure you that much life has been lived in the last couple of months. We've captured many memories, but not many photos, we've started back to school and I've landed a new job that has me working about 20 hours per week. So, we've been...adjusting...

But I'm back and I'm hoping it will stick. First, a couple of updates:

a) My job - it's fantastic, I love it, and I'm challenged in a way I haven't been in a long time. My brain might not rot away after all! ;) I'm a credit and debt counselor for an agency in MA. (www.consumercredit.com) It's non profit, and I have the privilege of giving people (sometimes hard) truth about their finances. To know me is to know that this is a perfect fit for me. I'm blessed yet again!

b) Levi - What a kid! He's a great, spunky soul who continues to be a joy in our lives. We are finalizing his adoption on Tues, 10/27/2009. It is the last step in a wonderful, winding journey and we are thrilled that everything will be "official", though it's been official in our hearts for a long time. Today, we celebrate 1 year since we signed the first paperwork to bring Levi home. What a ride - what a year - what a joy. I could never, never have imagined that so many blessing would be possible in one lifetime...

c) Ella - She went short! (her hair that is...) It's adorable - SHE'S adorable! I'll try to take pics soon and post them. She recently had to do some homework for school and it was an "observation of a leaf". In the assignment, it asked how the leaf "smelled". Admittedly, it's on odd question. But when I was looking over her work and saw what she filled in, I laughed out loud. "Like a hot dog." was her answer. Recently, she also went to Build A Bear for a birthday party and while all the other little girls came skipping out with bears and bunnies they'd made, out walks Ella - with a TURKEY under her arm. That's my girl - so sweet, so interesting, and not afraid to be a non conformist.

d) Ben - if you are looking for Ben, it's best to start at the Lego table. It's usually where we find him. However, over the last few weeks, we've discoved (with a little work and suggestions from friends) that Ben loves to read! These days, he starts his day by coming downstairs after getting dressed to indulge in his newest love - and we are having trouble keeping up with the library visits! He has been an incredible big brother to Levi - in ways we couldn't have imagined before Levi's homecoming. Each Friday night, Levi has been reluctant to go to the childcare provided by our small group. So, we've commissed Ben (with a very small money incentive) to chase after Levi for those couple of hours. He plays trains, and cars, gives him snacks (he's found candy works well!) and Levi LOVES it! They have a couple of matching shirts, and they love wearing them. It's just amazing to think that these boys didn't know each other 1 year ago and now they are best buds.

e) Generally, we are doing great! We hard our first snow, and the kids went outside and relished in it while the grown ups moaned at the thought of another winter. Oh - to be a kid again!

I'll leave you with a picture of Levi and I enjoying that "snow" and his very fluffy coat. I'll update very soon with a few more pictures of the kids...