My Ebenezer

This is one of those weeks for me that is dependant on everything going perfectly - that I don't have anyone wake up ill, that I don't have major inconvenience interrupts my day, and that despite my inability to stream two thoughts together, I remain focused. (I can already hear some of you laughing...) I know, I know. I have 3 kids, am working part time, live in a place where we've already had our first snow before Halloween, and a very full life - but somehow my sanity hinges without a contingency plan.

Well, it's already Monday and we've had our first money wrench in that plan. I realized, come nap time, that my pacifier-loving son has lost, what we now know to be his "last" pacifier. We know that it is his last because up until now, he's been unwilling to accept any pacifier except for the type he came home from Korea with. And those are at least a mail order away...but it's now gone, probably in the parking lot with all the other items that drop out of people's cars when they are wrestling their kids out to do those dreaded errands...

When I realized this, I was in a panic. I kept thinking "I don't have time for this. I really don't have time for this. Not today." And I kept praying that the pacifier would turn up. I put Levi down at about 11:40 a.m. without the pacifier. We did the whole naptime routine and when I put him in his crib - he looked at me like, "Uh, I think you are missing something...." I tried explaining to my 18 month old that the pacifier was gone. "There's no pacifier," I said. "The pacifier when bye-bye." I left and of course - the tears reverberated throughout the house. I kept looking for that pacifier. I couldn't let it go - I wasn't ready for this...it's just not the "right" time. The wailing from upstairs was a constant reminder of the loss and the task that neither of us felt prepared for. By the time I went upstairs to comfort my child - we were both in tears. I laid him in bed and began to stroke his face. He quieted - but all I could think about was "How long is this going to take? I could be in here forever and I have so much to do!" Once I began stroking his face and head - the crying stopped. Well, his at least...mine only flowed faster. All at once, I realized who pays the price when I can keep my "I don't have time for this" in check. I can only see what is not done on my (impossible) checklist and how much I have to do to meet the next deadline. I'm like a tornado and anything in my way is forced to move or be destroyed. Slowly, I began to see this precious moment as a gift and not the burden I'd once been feeling. As Levi started to drift to sleep and was no longer dependant on my touch - I dropped to my knees and cried to God. I sat there, not knowing what to ask for, or how to "fix" this most recent crisis of the missing pacifier. Just moments before I had prayed of it's miraculous find - but I no longer thought would be the right answer. Maybe I need to find out what is on the other side of quick fix. I listened to the music playing and the words were from Psalm 46:1-2. "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea..." When I lifted my eyes open - I saw a peaceful, sleeping baby in front of me and was thankful that I wasn't allowed the easy way out. I know there are still many hurdles ahead of me - but I've learned my lesson...sometimes its in our troubles that we see an ever-present God emerge, giving us peace and enough strength to get through the next hour, the next day, or at least until dinner... :)

"Ebenezer", literally translated means "Stone of help". In 1 Samuel, after the Israelites finally defeated the Philistines, and took back the Ark of the Covenant - Samuel commemorated the victorious battle, by setting up a marker-stone, by naming it "Stone of Help," where God’s miraculous help aided them in their victory over the Philistines. An "Ebenezer" is a reminder of God's real presence and divine help in our lives. For many people, a bible or a cross serves as that reminder. For me, it is this blog. Each "memory" I compile in writing reminds me that God is my "ever present help in trouble." I don't want to forget what I've learned today. I don't want to forget how low the lows are - they help me to realize how needy I really am. And I don't want to forget how quickly and steadfastly the help comes when I ask.

Here I raise my Ebenezer to all of you - and thank God that his help comes at the right time and in just the right way... What is your "Ebenezer?" - I'd love to hear...