Thursday, January 22, 2009

In the still of the Night

First, I am publicly apologizing to Steve for posting a picture on the last post of him with "chicken hair". I'm so sorry baby...I didn't even notice - I was too busy looking at our beautiful boy and never thought twice about how everyone else looked! :)

The night is sometimes my worst enemy. It is the time where every fear, both rational and irrational surface. When I was a child - my fears about death and dying would be so strong at night they would force me to tears. As I became a mom for the first time, I spent a lot of time awake in the night, fearing things that never crossed my mind during the day. I don't know if these are subconscious thoughts that are always there - or if they are irrational creations that happens when the sun is down and the moon is high. Either way, they are very real feelings.

Levi had a great night last night - even going an 8 hour stretch without eating, which I'm understanding - he didn't even do with his foster family before he came home! We are so thankful for God's blessing on his sleep. But after he stirred a moment, I was left lying there, next to my precious child, when that ugly monster of fear struck again. Some questions were the same I'd had before, when I was up in the night with both of my other children: "Things are going so well - maybe too well. He's so content - is there something I'm missing? This can't be it - when is the other shoe going to drop? How am I going to take a shower or get the kids to school, when Steve goes back to work?"

Other questions that loom are about my ability to care for Levi long term. I'm not adopted and don't know the first thing about what he might wrestle with in the future. "Will I know how to answer all the questions? Can I love my child while I counsel him though the feelings of abandonment? Am I prepared to help him understand why others don't see his differences as the wonderful thing they are, but tease him about them instead? Am I prepared to raise a Korean boy, a Korean man, and help him navigate though changes I haven't experienced on my own?

Fortunately, morning came. Thankfully, it always does. I wonder if this is why the Bible talks so much about the morning and the healing that it brings? As I laid in bed last night, I chose to embrace these changes as good. I wish I could know that our future holds only happiness and joy, but instead, I choose to believe that no matter what our future holds, I am a mom who loves all three of her children in ways I could never have understood before becoming a mother. For tonight, that is enough.


Fishin' Family said...

You are the right person for him. Just as you are for Ella and Ben... oh yea and Steve... and if you get stinky due to lack of showers we will still love you!!!

emily said...

and tomorrow, your love and commitment to your children will be enough, too. thank you, again, for sharing honestly. you are in my prayers as you make this transition... in your mind and in your heart. sometimes, growing can "hurt." oh, how i can only imagine this hurts so good!! i'm thinking of you.

(oh, and... i didn't notice steve's hair, either. i, too, was busy looking at your BEAUTIFUL children. ont that i don't think steve is nice to look at, because he is. but, um... i've probably said enough!!) :)

Sarah said...

I love you Angie!!! Thank you for taking time to share all of this stuff...even the honest fears and apprehension about the future. One day at a time...tomorrow has enough trouble of its own. Wish we could meet Levi in person. Love seeing pics in the mean time!